Sunday, March 28, 2010


The SGN EDITORIAL, Edition 25, Vol 3. N0. 3.

A ‘SCREAMATORIUM’ FOR THE NIGERIAN YOUTH PART II.
Oh yes, everybody needs a place where he can SCREAM!!! “Yee, Aiye mi o!!! where do I go from here,?” most especially when you have been retrenched from the bank and you can no longer provide the monthly allowance for your aged mother - who, incidentally and most unfortunately is a dying diabetic and her corpse, (if in this process she passes on) will be more expensive. You need a place to scream, more so when they say, “gentlemen don’t cry in public”.
      Who the hell said that, you ask Prince Foster Akinpelu.  Who said “gentleman don’t cry in public?” -Omase o. A gentleman will cry in public and even do it in grand style when his employer says, “I am sorry your services are no longer needed here, or that this corporation has to declare bankruptcy.
     Ladies and gentlemen, we hope that you read the first part of “A SCREAMATORIUM FOR THE NIGERIAN YOUTH”. In this edition, we want to concentrate on advising Governor Babatunde Raji FASHOLA, SAN, the Executive Governor of Lagos State, that nothing stops him from buying the concept of creating  SCREAMATORIUMS for the various communities in Somolu, Ajegunle, Iyana Ipaja, Okokomaiko, Obalende, and Ogba; as an initial effort, and that he can even go one step farther to attach a HALFWAY HOUSE to each SCREAMATORIUM, so that those who have screamed their eyes red and are willing to pick up the pieces of their lives, I mean the deportees, the accidental young widows; the retrenched; as well as the burgled; amongst others, can spend the night, at least in the HALFWAY HOUSE to re-energize and re-strategize about “THE REST OF ME” and “Where do I go from here?”.
      Oh yes, we know very well that God made men, strong enough to stand, and free to fall. Nevertheless, dear readers, we are also cognizant of the fact that “the downfall of a man is not the end of his life”. Anybody can fall at any time from any height, at any point in one’s life. Therefore, you have fallen ---- so what?. TOMODE BA SUBU, AWOWAJU, TA GBA LAGBA BA SUBU, A WEYIN WO. If suddenly, you fall and really want to cry, weep, or knock your head against the wall, walk across to the SCREAMATORIUM that is replete with a clinic.  you have enough privacy to momentarily go maaaad.
      You will have the freedom to scream yourself hoarse, and once that scenario is over and you find yourself inside the beautiful and modern/sophisticated bathroom of the SCREAMATORIUM, you are obviously bound to look in the mirror and what do you find, red eyeballs, battered cheeks and that your makeup has been smeared. In addition, as you rest your ass on the toilet seat, you get a brainwave about bean cake frying; bead making; barbing; dancing; hairdressing; events management; and many more. “After all, I am not dead”, you would say unto yourself. By the time you see Greg and Solomon in the Counseling Rooms, your head has been cooled and all the shame that beclouded your spiritual projection is gone --- you smile a little --- laugh a little and then you tell yourself “That is the story of Life”.
      Dear readers, Lagos State does not have time to wait: the rent is counting - we mean the only thing that your property owner does is mark the calendar about his very many tenants in Surulere, Ikorodu and Somolu. Since you are one of them, he will call you after three days if your rent is not paid on time.  EH!!!!!!!!!  Mr.   ajai olorunosebi,  where is this rent.  you always have a reason to be behind? even when you do not have anything to scream about. It’s a great idea to visit the SCREAMATORIUM once in a while to take a seat on the balcony to watch those who are screaming, what are they screaming about : is it shattered dreams; unplanned life; diabolical lovers; insecurity; money-less-ness; joblessness; neglect; loneliness -- actually loneliness is a very wicked phenomenon. It creeps and creeps on you until you make food your only friend and you eat everything AT sight… only to become  overweight, ugly and undesirable… I mean, I am a man, and do not want to have anything to do with a woman who is obese… and if i were a woman, i will naturally resist a man whose huge  and flabby stomach has  completely covered his “center of gravity”.
      Respectable readers of SOMOLU GLOBAL NEWS -The SGN, the HALFWAY HOUSE attached to the SCREAMATORIUM can serve very many purposes. Nigerian Professors of  Psychology can educate you about how great men fell very many times and still ended up being great.
     Look at Uncle Sam AMUKA for instance, look at the experience he had with THE PUNCH in those days before he established VANGUARD NEWSPAPER. Even though he fought a good fight, he could never have been able to establish his own newspaper if he did not have the will power.      Kunle Omotosho -the writer did not fall, what happened was that things were not moving very well for him in Nigeria and  without a SCREAMATORIUM at his disposal, he quickly moved to South Africa. Kunle Omotosho is still very much alive and making his mark on the  pages of history.      At this point in Nigeria , millions of young men and women can utilize the various services of the SCREAMATORIUM. We mean, you decide to take your girlfriend out to dinner and you have just had the most wonderful evening of your life, but on arriving at the car park, your N3.5 million Naira Jeep is gone. What do you do? You stop by at the nearest SCREAMATORIUM … or how much of the heat can you keep on the inside? Apart from the fact that your mouth feels sour, the shock preempts all the romance you were feeling at  dinner time.
      We mean, on another occasion and another time, you purchased one used car (a Tokunbo) from HE REPUBLIC OF BENIN and you count yourself as lucky because you were able to escape the payment of Import Duties to the Customs Department. As you were driving home to Ibadan from Lagos , you stopped at Ogere,  the fmr.  toll gate to get some SUYA… this clean-shaven and very well dressed gentleman tapped you on the shoulder and said, “Can I see your particulars. You took it like a joke, but since you did not pay the one hundred and fifty thousand Naira Import Duties to the Federal Government, this Custom Officer bluntly demanded the sum of  twenty thousand Naira as bribe. That was on a Friday night and the total amount of money in your pocket was exactly twelve thousand four hundred Naira… just for the weekend. At the end of the day, you ended up paying ten thousand Naira. Well, after you had paid it, you went to a nearby bush to do a hot “Number Two” even though you did not need water to flush it but it was hot anyway.
      The plan to spend the weekend in Ibadan had been exclusively frustrated. Which is the nearest SCREAMATORIUM, where you can Yell ---OLOOSI, son of a Goddamn bitch. After you sweat all over you can cool off in the SCREAMATORIUM’s bathroom and quietly drive back to your apartment.  Gradually, you resign yourself to the craftiness and shenanigans of your Custom Officer Friend.

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